If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
