So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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