Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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