He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
