I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
