Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
