Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My cat gives me a boner
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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