Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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