It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
