Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
