wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
