so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
