the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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