Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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