Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
