I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
