Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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