I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
