You smell like a Billy Joel song
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
