Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
