I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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