i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
