So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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