WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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