You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
