at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
