don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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