This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
