Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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