Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
