there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
