U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
