Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
