I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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