i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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