I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
