he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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