Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
