Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You ruined the universe
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
