My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
