and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
