the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
