Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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