guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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