A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How external is "for external use only"?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
