We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
