if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
