the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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