Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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