My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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