Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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