I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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