Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
